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Setting Boundaries: Your Secret Superpower

  • Writer: Grace Emmendorfer, LLMSW-C
    Grace Emmendorfer, LLMSW-C
  • Aug 1
  • 5 min read

What is a boundary? Personal boundaries are what we will tolerate emotionally, physically, and in relationships; and they are a large factor in mental health. Yet guilt often undermines this process, especially when people fear being perceived as selfish or hurting others. As Sharon Martin notes, boundaries set expectations and prevent exploitation.

When done correctly boundaries ensure both parties are on the same page. It fosters understanding and safety. Respecting other’s boundaries promotes healthy relationship dynamics. They also help individuals communicate more effectively. Boundaries set the rules of engagement in relationships. 


Boundary-setting is an important part of any relationship.
Boundary-setting is an important part of any relationship.

The Role of Guilt in Boundary-Setting

  • Guilt as an Emotion and Obstacle Guilt is an emotion indicating a  violation of internal norms but not all guilt is warranted. Martin (2022) points out that many feel guilt even without doing anything wrong, often due to learned expectations about self-sacrifice. Boundaries help you be the healthiest version of yourself. 

  • Guilt, Work-Family Spillover, and Mental Health Barnett & Gareis (2011) analyzed data from over 1,000 U.S. workers, finding that boundary-spanning demands (e.g., after-hours work contact) correlate with guilt and emotional distress, especially among women. This shows how big guilt’s role in compounding burnout.


Why Boundaries Matter for Mental Health:

Preventing Burnout & Emotional Exhaustion

  • Weak boundaries can lead to overcommitment, increasing risk of burnout. 

  • Studies show that individuals with strong boundaries report lower anxiety, depression, and conflict.

Enhancing Emotion Regulation

  • Lucas and Stone (2020) found that adults with well-defined emotional boundaries showed improved emotional regulation and less stress. 

  • This demonstrates how boundary setting supports stable mental health .

Strengthening Relationships

  • Boundaries foster mutual respect. 

  • Rodriguez et al. (2023) found couples who clearly communicate boundary expectations enjoy higher relationship satisfaction and emotional safety.

Guilt can be a powerful motivator, and often inhibits our ability to set boundaries that would help both sides of our relationships.
Guilt can be a powerful motivator, and often inhibits our ability to set boundaries that would help both sides of our relationships.

Strategies to Set Boundaries Without Guilt:

Cognitive Restructuring

  • It’s important to ask yourself is this guilt warranted?  Martin (2022) suggests asking yourself “Would I tell a friend it’s wrong to?” Guilt when setting boundaries usually shows internal wounds that need to be addressed.

  • Think of boundary-taking as self-care, like exercising or eating healthy. It is something you don’t need to feel guilty about.

Assertive Communication Tools

  • Using “I-statements” (“I need uninterrupted time”) reduces defensiveness. 

  • Combine clarity with empathy: “I understand this matters to you, but I need space now” . 

  • Distinguishing assertive vs. aggressive communication will help you be more respectful.

Practice and Self‑Compassion

  • Start small, boundary-setting is a skill that improves with iteration.

  • Use self-compassion; Martin emphasizes kindness toward oneself through discomfort.

  • Recognizing that some pushback is normal, challenge may signal you're doing something healthy, not selfish.

Behavioral Reinforcement Consistency matters, communicate your boundary then enforce it (e.g. leaving a situation or declining further requests). Psychologist Millie Huckabee (2025) highlights that boundaries are about personal standards, not controlling others. Enforcement of boundaries reinforces internal trust and reduces future guilt .


Cultural & Gender Considerations:

Gendered Experiences of Guilt

  • As Barnett & Gareis (2011) show, women experience greater guilt from work boundary violations than men, contributing to stress.

  •  Recognizing this gender bias helps contextualize why guilt feels more intense for some.

Cultural Contexts

  • In collectivist cultures, boundary-setting can clash with familial values. 

  • Counselors advocate "workable boundaries" which are flexible yet self-aware, respecting both individual needs and relational bonds. 

  • Boundaries need not be inflexible; cultural humility and negotiation are key.


Setting boundaries with loved ones takes practice. Be kind to yourself throughout the process.
Setting boundaries with loved ones takes practice. Be kind to yourself throughout the process.

Putting It Into Practice: A Step‑by‑Step Plan

Step

Action

Purpose & Psychological Rationale

1.Reflect on Needs

Identify patterns of overcommitment or depletion

Supports tuning into internal signals and resisting people-pleasing

2. Cognitive Check

Ask: Is this guilt warranted?

Reduces irrational guilt, reframes boundary-setting as self-care 

3. Draft Clear “I” Statements

e.g., “I need...”

Uses assertive, non-blaming communication 

4. Communicate with Empathy

Acknowledge others’ needs while standing firm

Balances assertiveness and compassion 

5. Enforce Gently

Follow through on the boundary (e.g., say "no thanks")

Reinforces integrity and reduces future guilt

6. Self‑Compassion & Reflection

Practice kindness, review outcomes, celebrate growth

Encourages resilience and reduces self-criticism 

Common Challenges & Solutions

  • Pushback or Resistance: A common reaction; not a reflection of your guilt. Remind yourself that guilt and discomfort don’t equate to wrongdoing. Consistent reinforcement builds trust .

  • Internalized Guilt: Especially common among women and those from collectivist cultures . Reassurance: “I am allowed to prioritize myself.”


Benefits of Guilt‑Free Boundaries

  • Improved Well‑Being: Lower stress, anxiety, and burnout; better emotion regulation.

  • Healthier Relationships: Clear expectations foster trust and intimacy.

  • Stronger Self‑Esteem: Saying ‘no’ without guilt affirms personal values and autonomy.

  • Increased Productivity: Focused work without interruptions enhances efficiency and reduces burnout.


Case Vignettes

Example A – Working Mother Maria receives frequent after-hours work texts. She used to comply, feeling guilty if she didn’t. Reminding herself that guilt doesn’t equal wrongdoing, she established: “I’m offline after 7 p.m. on weekdays.” Her supervisor respected this, and Maria reports better sleep and less resentment.


Example B – Friend of Caregiver Jamal’s elderly mother frequently called complaining. He felt obligated to listen but was drained. He began: “Mom, I’d love to talk, but I need rest after work. Can we catch up on Saturday?” He enforced this by muting messages after 9 p.m. Initially guilty, he now feels relief and deeper connection with more focused calls.


Although often challenging, setting boundaries can benefit you, and all of your loved ones.
Although often challenging, setting boundaries can benefit you, and all of your loved ones.

Conclusion

Boundary-setting without guilt is vital to mental health. Guilt is not always justified, it is often a learned response. Setting strong boundaries protects emotional energy and mental health. Using assertive communication skills such as “I-statements” builds respect. Cultural and gender norms influence guilt; awareness empowers resistance. With practice and self-compassion, boundary-setting becomes a strength, not a source of shame. By applying the six-step framework, you can begin to foster emotionally healthy boundaries that benefit you and your relationships.




References

Barnett, R. C., & Gareis, K. C. (2011). Boundary‑spanning work demands and their consequences for guilt and psychological distress. Work and Stress. PubMed.

Harrison, J., & Thompson, L. (2022). Boundaries and burnout prevention: A longitudinal study. Psychological Health.

Johnson, M., et al. (2021). The relationship between boundary‑setting and mental health outcomes. Clinical Psychology Review.

Lucas, T., & Stone, S. (2020). Emotional boundaries and emotion regulation in adults. Psychiatry Research.

Rodriguez, M., et al. (2023). Boundaries and marital satisfaction: The role of communication and respect. Journal of Marriage and Family.

Barnett, R. C., & Gareis, K. C. (2011). Boundary‑spanning work demands and their consequences for guilt and psychological distress. Journal of Occupational Health Psychology. mentalhealthctr.com

Counseling Today. (n.d.). The sensitivity of boundary‑setting in collectivist cultures. counseling.org

Huckabee, M. (2025, March 16). The Trouble With Toxic Boundary Setting. Psychology Today.psychologytoday.com+1journalofcognitivepsychology.com+1

Cornell University. (n.d.). arXiv.org. An open-access repository of scientific preprints in fields such as physics, mathematics, computer science, and more. Retrieved June 27, 2025, from https://arxiv.org en.wikipedia.org

Centerstone. (n.d.). About Centerstone. A nonprofit mental health care provider offering a full continuum of services, including outpatient clinics, residential programs, and telehealth in multiple states. Retrieved June 27, 2025, from https://centerstone.org/about/ centerstone.org

Mental Health Center. (n.d.). Retrieved June 27, 2025, from https://www.mentalhealthctr.com

 Mary Ann Dexter, LMSW. (n.d.). Psychotherapy Services for Adults. Professional counseling by a licensed clinical social worker based in Bad Axe, MI, and offering telehealth. Retrieved June 27, 2025, from https://therapywithmaryannlmsw.com/ therapywithmaryannlmsw.com

Sussex Directories Inc. (n.d.). About Us. Psychology Today operates a therapy directory and publishes expert-written content on behavior and mental health; founded in 1967. Retrieved June 27, 2025, from https://about.psychologytoday.com/us/about.html about.psychologytoday.com+1en.wikipedia.org+1

American Counseling Association. (n.d.). About Us. The world's largest membership organization for professional counselors, founded in 1952 and headquartered in Alexandria, Virginia. Retrieved June 27, 2025, from https://www.counseling.org/ en.wikipedia.org+1archive.counseling.org+1


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